Can I just be honest for a minute? I feel like I haven' t been. I feel like I've been trying to impress people and then feeling foolish and depressed that I can't.
I don't know what this blog is for anymore. I don't have time for it. I don't make time for it. It doesn't really have purpose like I want it to. Not even selfish purpose.
I've been defining myself as a writer for as long as I can remember. Ever since I was small, I've wanted to tell stories, woo people with my words and paint beautiful pictures for them with my marvelous penchant for syntax. I've wanted to string words together that cause people to think and emote and have life-changing experiences. I still want to do that.
I've also been keeping this blog for awhile, hoping it would be something cathartic for me that internet browsers and potential future employees would stumble upon and fall in love with for my wittiness and engagingness and ability to compose a sentence using nonsensical verbage in a charming way.
I haven't done any of those things.
I've abandoned this blog. I could say I'm barely writing anymore but the truth is, I'm doing a lot of dreaming and not writing a damn thing. I haven't touched a story in I don't know how long. I'm not writing for work or for play, I have no current projects.
I used to have projects every single night. I'd come home from work and write till 3am, some nonsense about superheroes or jedi knights and people falling in love and overcoming adversity.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade this new life for anything… but it hurts, falling out of what I've been used to. I'm different now and I have a million things calling for my attention. I feel compelled to answer them all and in doing so I feel I have lost—am losing-- a piece of who I am. It sucks. I feel bad for my poor husband, because I've started having weepy breakdowns over this madness about once a month.
I can't stand it anymore.
So this is an apology and a promise. An apology for not making time for what's important, for something I love. A preemptive apology, knowing it will happen again and I'll have to be okay with it.
But mostly, a promise. A promise to stop just thinking about it and put something down, no matter how ridiculous. A promise not to get caught up in comments and website visits. A promise to make time to let words flow and not to give up on the tales I'm in love with, the characters I've created and bonded myself to and to the stories that have shaped so much of who I am.
Uncharted stories, unwritten words-- I'm not going anywhere. I'm making a comeback, albeit slowly. Expect some changes.
I promise I will always adore you, and while I may threaten you, I will never actually leave you.
And someday, eventually… I will write you.
4 comments:
This is so weird. My post before last was about not making time to blog. Here's the thing. You must forgive yourself. It's summer. You have a life. When the weather turns dismal the words will start pouring out in droves and the characters in your head will once again come alive. Trust me on this one!
all of your feelings are justified,
I feel the same way when I am not creative and do not design or make anything for weeks, when I call myself a designer and an artist.
bah.
It's tough when the words won't come, or when you don't feel like you have time for them to come. But don't give up, Jules. You have a gift with words. And it won't be this way forever.
here is my solution. go to http://www.fiverr.com/ and make a post for creative writing. you could make a different post for all the different ways you like to write. tell them you'll write them a creative story using them and their friends as the characters. you get to be creative, and some schmo's will pay you $5 a story to write it.
in the mean time, just keep coming back here. I'll always read.
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