Admitting It

There's a battle raging inside me. Right now. Ignited tonight by the testimonies of friends spread across the world.

I house two sides, both noble causes, destined to be united...

But right now the intensity of the combat is forcing hot droplets out of my eyes.

I want to be away.

One day (God, when in the worlds is that?!), all my finances will be a little more under control and I won't spend all my days serving expensive food and wine to the wealthy inhabitants of Williamson County. One day, I'll--

God, maybe I'll have nothing. But maybe I'll still be considered wealthy in the neighborhood I live in. Maybe I'll just have the clothes on my back, the shoes on my feet and the journal in my hand. Maybe I'll have access to food that I buy from a market, or maybe I'll just have to eat from the tables of my brothers and sisters who are out on the battlefront with me. Maybe I'll wear a scarf in my hair and be surrounded by children who don't have biological parents anymore. Or maybe they won't be orphans. Maybe I'll be teaching their mothers to sew or weave or print-- so they can continue to have a livelihood. Maybe I'll speak another language, and I won't quite fit in-- and it won't matter.

I want that. I want it. I know it would be hard everyday and it would just be me and Jesus-- but that's so attractive to me.

At the same time, the other part of me just-- doesn't want to go it alone. Maybe its because I've been so immersed in community for the past 5 years. Maybe the idea of going off alone sounds unbearable to me. Maybe I know that my parents would worry less if I wasn't alone.

Or maybe it's because I'm not meant to go alone.

I might be wrong about all of this. God may really need to change my heart, and if so-- here's me being vulnerable with my weaknesses.

But I want to build an adventure with someone else. And not just the next person I pass on the street. Someone brave and passionate and compassionate and selfless enough to build an adventure with me. I'm not calling anyone to perfection, any more than I'd challenge myself to it. In fact, that idea of a perfect partner is terrifying.

No, I need another fractured soul, who has been made whole in Christ. Someone like myself with fears-- with trust issues or doubt issues or other sin in their lives. Someone who's strengths line up with my weaknesses and vice versa. Someone who I can encourage and build up and challenge and love and look up to as we chase the path set before us-- even when we can't see it clearly.

Maybe I'm not ready to team up. But God, how I long to be. And the more men and women of God I read about, charging into the darkness, carrying the light and the hope of glory, the more my heart screams to be caught up in that kind of adventure.

The more my soul screams, "Somebody take me away and let's do some good in the world. Please.

Not just any somebody. And don't do it because I asked you to.

Do it because He dared you to move-- and because He's compelled you to take me with you. Forever."