Letters

Dear Downy Wrinkle Releaser,

I'd appreciate it if you would stop masquerading as a miracle product behind your trusty label. I am convinced you are nothing but water mixed with a hint of fabric softener.

~juliette



Dear Womens Jr. High & High School Volleyball Outfitters,

Good on you, deciding that six-inch spandex spankies are absolutely neccessary for peak athletic performance of indoor volleyball. Man, what a great idea, selecting the most self-concious, self-obsessed, insecure, competative, mean, and catty sect of people imaginable and parading their various maturing body types around in front of each other AND their sex-saturated schoolmates (not to mention some of their creepy dads, uncles and teachers/coaches) in last season's Victoria's Secret bikini bottoms. You sure know how to punch up game attendance during the competing football season.

~juliette



Dear *Kingston & Paddie,
I'm not gonna lie, you're pretty cute when you're sleeping. But when you're freaking out and snorting and snarling and nipping and growling and yelping and rubbing your slobber-soaked, smashed face all over my son's beautiful coat, I want to punt you across the neighborhood.

~juliette

*you know.



Dear Next Door Neighbor,

You're clearly a little bit Hispanic. But I still can't figure out why you have a Rebel flag flying on a large pole in your front yard. Todd and I sometimes stare out our bedroom window, brainstorming ways to remove it. Our favorite idea so far is via flaming arrow.

~juliette



Dear Season Six of LOST,
I just realized I shouldn't write to you, for spoilers sake... but suffice it to say I'm getting a little frustrated. You've only got like 8 or 9 episodes left and I'm expecting quite a bit out of you. Please don't disappoint me.

~juliette